Turnip Two Point Oh!

So I generally don’t ascribe to forcefully “generating” creative content, thereby compromising on quality. I therefore had no intention of banging my keyboard to come up with this so soon. I mean, even the earth-turd takes a year and a half to release the turdy sequel to his previous turd, does he not? But, something happened that changed my mind.

So, over a few drinks a while back, I was introduced to Mr. and Mrs. X – now the only reason I choose not to reveal their names, in spite of promising the readers to the contrary, in my previous inspirational piece, is that I hope to wangle another meal at their place sometime soon. (With the wife at her parents’, it’s difficult to get an equally competent maid now-a-days, at such short notice).

Back to the point then – Mr. and Mrs. X introduced me to their bespectacled son who wanted to be a writer. I was instantly in love with him and for a moment was even prepared to offer some serious advice, me being a blog-and-a-half old in the business now, you see.

I asked him – “So, what’s next now?”

He looked at me as if it were the dumbest thing to pose – like a “Hello, are you from Mars?”, kinda look.

After which I obliged, and genuinely gave him the look that he was so desirous of.

And then he thundered – “I’ll join IIT”.

All my love evaporated that instant and I must have searched my pockets for an AK-47.

Having not found one, I looked around for a hunter. Having failed again, I composed myself.

I politely refused dessert and just to leave behind a mark of my disgust, left a chewing gum stuck under the table.

You see, the point is this. When one buffoon vomits out alphabets on a piece of paper, ties them neatly with his shoe-string, finds another nincompoop (and convinces him, mind you!) to publish it, and releases it ultimately as fiction, it is bound to do this to civilized society.

So, Chetan Bhagat – take a bow my friend! You have inspired a generation of youngistaanis, to push the Government into introducing more prestigious institutions so that more trees are felled to create something that would otherwise be used in case of water-shortage, by Indian households atleast…Westerners would obviously use it in that manner, anyway!

Good on you mate!

Thank God for the fact that there still exist people like Raju Hirani, who make those monstrosities at least palatable and…dare-I-say…enjoyable on occasions. Imagine the earth-turd stumbling upon Chetan Bhagat’s latest!

Now trust the Flipkart guys to find some use for their $1bn dough. (I’m an investment banker first, remember?)

What do they do? Put pressure on the guy to eat more over-cooked rajma (red kidney beans, for the firangi types) to generate noxious drivel in the form of a random combination of alphabets, and release it only on their platform, to be ultimately bought by impressionable young minds of this rotting nation. Brilliant! That’s like taking a rotting turnip and dipping it in dung, in the time that is required to soak the aforementioned beans.

Bad on you Flipkart! But smart thinking actually – The only thing I think Amazon can do now is to buy huge sheets of paper ($2bn pumped into India operations, remember?) and put them under toddlers, lifting them occasionally and shaking off the poop, drying them and publishing them. But that will take some dunging and doing…and if they do it, then they deserve to pip the Flipkart folks to the podium of literature idiocy.

Anyway, enough said. Apologies again, for not bringing out the “Gunda vs. Gunday” slugfest-for-moronic-supremacy edition. (I guess it gives some more time to the unfortunate few uninitiated as yet, to the Gunda phenomenon. I kid you not, it’s an imdb 8 pointer…so watch it!)

Our team, as you can see, has been rattled and in sore need of a few litres of restoratives.

PS: The usual disclaimer still holds.



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