The First Turnip

Purple Turnip


So here’s the deal…it is with a completely disillusioned (friends call it delusional) outlook of the world leading to a severely bipolar medical condition, that I start off on my odyssey of penning the first piece of The Turnip Times (Triple T). “It’s a funny world we live in,” said the iconic Ledger in an even more iconic screen avatar. It indeed is. A world where Anu Malik calls himself a composer of a form of vocation as close to nirvana as music (I stopped using elevators since, well, if you must, I shall quote…”unchi hai building…lift teri band hai…”…trust me, it reads better than it sounds), a world where Sajid Khan is allowed to roam free and is not handcuffed with rusted nails going at least 9 inches deep into the main vein, just to make doubly sure, a world where Sajid Khan is not released as unwanted earth-turd into the vastness of space (entirely crowd-funded by even the last dying mosquito that was present in the theater when the turd chose to eat three badly cooked biryanis that resulted in the nine farts that were re-christened Humshakals) and in staying with the same theme, just to make triply sure, a world where the crowd funding effort continues to perpetuity so that the floating earth-turd does not get kicked back from some other hitherto peaceful alien life-form infested planet (I mean they have ignored us for so long, but aren’t we testing them here?), to within a few zillion light years (raised to perpetuity) of Pluto? If you thought the first edition of triple T is about Sajid Khan, well…it is not, but I had to get that out of my system. Look at the bright side, he did the same with the three bad biryanis, and as they traveled from one intestine to the other and finally to the bowel, he created a pastiche of scenes that matched his facial expressions and finally added the sound effects and charged you honest money for it – in contrast, all I demand is your attention for listening to my grouses. I also had to give the reader an introduction of what to expect, if he (I am sexist) were to continue patronizing this.
Triple T will speak about everything under the sun, everything. So it’s not about movies alone, although it’s very tempting to start off with a bigger bang by critiquing masterpieces such as Kukku Kohli’s Kubrickian “Jaani Dushman – Ek Anokhee whatever”. Really, those of you who have endured that monstrosity will feel like pulling the earth-turd back into the confines of gravity. (Imagine this though – beginning credits – starring Armaan Kohli, written (???) and directed by Sajid Khan, produced by Kuku Kohli…Jesus H Christ!…Yikes! – somebody call Tanisha!)
Now hold on here, don’t get me wrong – I love the kind of cinema where you have ten drinks and reach out for the eleventh, while watching Tashan or the other “filmed by Priyadarshan” types. They can be fun too. But even Akshay Kumar must have a limit. (Although, off late, apparently not…but that’s for another edition of Triple T).
The key to Triple T’s resonance (I hope) will be it’s randomness. In that randomness, each one of you (I hope, again) will find, at varying times and to varying degrees, a vent to all that you always believed was just wrong (and there is so much wrong in this country, that the earth-turd need never be featured after this) but knew could not set right. I mean, Anu Malik will continue to judge people, Kuku Kohli will continue to be a rich producer and the earth-turd??? well…he will continue to release his turd upon us.
In return for providing you reflective and deeply meditative pieces such as the one above, Triple T seeks ideas and potential tirade-targets. So come on board and get it out. Write to Triple T! We welcome every eye-opening monstrosity being perpetrated in this country. Have no fear – we WILL write about it (and how!).
The Triple T team is currently working on an innovative next – providing proof as to why the Kanti Shah-Mithunda combine masterpiece “Gunda” is better than the recently-released-easily-mistaken-for-being-a-Sajid-Khan-masterpiece “Gunday”. (This one is tough – but any Indian Engineering student who has NOT seen the iconic Gunda while smokin’ up, must be asked to return his degree- it was not worth it)
In the end an honest disclaimer-
Any effort to malign, castigate, abuse, humiliate etc. should be taken as being purely intentional and the team (a neurotic, disillusioned, bipolar investment banker) takes full responsibility for it.


2 thoughts on “The First Turnip

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